


Where We Are

by justforirishx



Category: One Direction (Band), Westlife
Genre: Cute, Depression, Diabetes, F/M, Harry being innocent, Mostly 1D, Romance, Self Harm, Smut, Thoughts of Suicide, Westlife/1D Cross Over, Zayn being sweet and adorable, attempted suicide, thoughts of self harm, type 1
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-14
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2017-11-25 12:06:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/638738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justforirishx/pseuds/justforirishx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Self Harm and Depression<br/>That’s been Finn Filan’s life for the last four years<br/>She’s about to start a music career and realise she’s worth it<br/>Her boyfriend Zayn is there for her every step of the way<br/>But sometimes you have to take a step back and evaluate<br/>Where We Are…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wrap My Arms

  
_I try to make a life for us maybe with this guitar_   
_the first time I ever sung to you you never laughed so hard_   
_You know you look so beautiful standing in your dress_   
_I try and show of all my moves but you know that I don't dance_   
_Wrap My Arms; Brian McFadden_   


  
If you had asked me four years ago whether I would be in a relationship with a guy who treats me like a total princess, I would have thought you were bullshitting me. I never thought I would be good enough to be in a relationship with anybody. In high school I was the dorky invisible one. I had short brown hair, often cut into a pixie cut; I swam competitively and kept to myself. I was scared of being rejected and it was just easier for me to stay in the background and watch everyone. I had battled depression from the time I was fifteen; bullying and things that had happened in my childhood caused a lot of it. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was ten as well which certainly impacted on my health. My parents passed away when I was fourteen, which had a big effect on me and certainly changed my personality. I don’t think any person who loses their parents in their teenage years are ever the same after all it’s a vital time for your development and the building of your personality. Because I was underage I had to go and live with my older brother – Shane Filan in London rather than in our hometown of Sligo in Ireland. Yes, Shane Filan from Westlife is my brother. You could say I was the unexpected arrival in the Filan clan.

 

There are thirteen years between Shane and I but he has been the one person who has stuck by me through everything. My little niece Nicole never fails to make me smile when I am having a bad day, little Patrick and Shane Jr. are just gorgeous boys who love getting cuddles from their aunty Finn. I do have a boys name but that’s because Shane named me. He didn’t like any girls names and Finn was his favourite Gaelic name so… I got called Finn. I have another older brother named Finnbar but no one ever calls him Finn. I’m now eighteen and about to start my own music career, I gave up swimming when my Mum and Dad died and I took up song writing. Shane has been giving me singing lessons since I was seven and his bandmate Kian who I grew up knowing from Sligo anyway has been teaching me piano since I was four. Because Shane and I are so close, a love of music is something we have always shared. When Mum and Dad passed away I dropped out of school too and started going on tour with Shane and the other Westlife lads to learn how to perform and so Shane could keep an eye on me. Self harm was something I had been battling with along with my diabetes and depression. I was good at hiding it from Shane at first but one day Nicole asked what the red marks on my wrists were and I was busted. Shane has kept a close eye on me ever since, and made sure I talk to either him or his wife Gillian or the Westlife lads even. Out of all the Westlife guys other than Shane I’m probably closest with Nicky or Kian. Don’t get me wrong Mark is a great guy but Nicky and I had a love of sport in common and Kian and I have always been close because of piano lessons.

I have one good friend from my time in Sligo and her name is Bella McMillan. She’s eighteen like me and she has just finished at Summerhill College which is basically the Catholic High School in Sligo. All my brothers and sisters went there so it was family tradition really. Bella was also a Type 1 Diabetic. She was diagnosed two years after me, so we’ve always helped each other through it. I see her whenever I go back to Sligo, which is probably once every three months depending on what the tour schedule is like. Bella wants to become a writer and she has written many poems, songs and stories. We’re both very creative which is why we get on so well and she doesn’t care about the fact Shane is famous. Thanks to Shane actually, Bella and I have met One Direction – we’re both huge fans of their music anyway. I hit it off with Zayn pretty much straight away, I think it’s because we’re both full of angst and completely misunderstood. We’ve been dating for a year now and it’s a year I’m so incredibly thankful for. Don’t get me wrong we’ve had our fights and we’re both incredibly stubborn but in the end we forgive each other. He’s also very accepting of my flaws and very wary of my diabetes. He read up about what to do and he even bought a glucometer to keep at his house and whenever I refill my insulin prescription I keep a few pen fills at Zayn’s for when I sleep over which is most nights when he’s not on tour or I’m not away with Westlife. Bella gets along with Louis because they’re both as sassy as each other. Harry really likes her but Bella thinks he’s too innocent and she wants a rebellious guy. Poor Harry! Bella is about to move to London to pursue her writing career by studying Creative Writing and Journalism.

It was Friday June 22nd 2012, an important date for Shane and the Westlife lads. It was the second last concert of Westlife… ever. Or until they decide they miss it too much. I give them three years. Anyway I was sitting with Gillian and the kids and Jodi – Kian’s wife, and Georgina – Nicky’s wife and their twins Rocco and Jay. I was holding baby Koa who is Jodi and Kian’s six month old baby boy. Also the most adorable baby you will see in the whole entire world. Everyone calls him Little Dude. As I was holding Koa, I felt my phone vibrate in the pocket of my jeans. I managed to get my phone out while still holding Koa and I saw a text from Zayn.

  
**Zayn Malik**   
_Hey Finn! Hope the concert is going great_   
_I fly into Dublin tomorrow morning at 9. Will you share a room with me tomorrow?_   
_I love you so much xx Z._   


  
**Finn Filan**   
_Hi baby,_   
_I’ll pick you up at 9! Of course I’ll share._   
_Concert is going great, the kiddies are about to be taken to go on stage_   
_I’ve got little Ko Ko on my lap._   
_I love you too xx Finn_   


 

Jodi took Koa off my lap with a smile, “He’s all yours when we get back, I promise.”  
“Thanks Jodi.” I replied the sound of the crowd around us drowning out what I was saying.  
I loved the atmosphere of the crowds at the Westlife concerts, they were always full of a mixture of different people; grandmothers, mothers, daughters, couples and even guys. Their music bought people together, that’s what made them so unique as a band.

The next morning I was up at eight o’clock, ready to pick up Zayn from the airport. We hadn’t seen each other in a month because he had been away in America and I was touring with the lads anyway. Zayn promised though that he would come to the final concert, you know why? I was opening. I was going to perform the five songs from my demo that I had given Simon before I got signed. I was as nervous as all hell. Even Bella was coming to see me open, all my brothers and sisters would be there and most importantly Zayn.

When I got to the airport, I went into the arrivals hall and waited. I was dressed in a pair of denim shorts and an oversized white t-shirt and my red vans. I was anxious about the day ahead, I was due to spend three hours rehearsing before sound check then about twenty minutes during sound check. I was going to be playing piano and sing, I’ve got one of the band members playing guitar for me in two of the songs. This was the first real time people were going to be introduced to Finn Filan the singer. Not Finn Filan, Shane Filan’s little sister, not Finn Filan, Zayn Malik’s girlfriend. Just Finn Filan, the girl who has a passion for music and letting people into her life through music that reflects her past. Sure when I was touring with the lads I’d go on stage with them and sing sometimes but never open the concert or sing solo. This was my moment.

A text came through on my phone from Zayn.

  
**Zayn Malik**   
_You’re looking sexy baby girl ;)_   
_I’m in the tan chinos, black shoes, grey undershirt and white tee and a black snapback and my sunnies. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms._   


 

I looked up and saw Zayn looking directly at me, about fifty metres away. I ran up to him and hugged him tightly. He dropped his sports bag and hugged me back.  
“Hey baby.” He whispered into my ear.  
“I missed you so much!” I replied before he kissed me softly and ran his fingers through my short brown hair.  
“Let’s get to the hotel yeah? I want you all to myself before you have rehersals babe.” He said kissing my cheek and grabbing his bag he had dropped.

We got out to the cab rank and caught the cab back to the Four Seasons hotel we were staying at. Zayn checked himself in and we went up to his room. He dumped his bag on the floor then embraced me in a hug.  
“Please don’t let me leave you behind for a month ever again Finn.”  
He kissed my forehead and smiled.  
I took in his scent; mint, cigarette smoke and whatever cologne he had chosen to wear that day. I smiled and just rested my head on his chest as I stood in his embrace.  
“Are you hungry Finn?”  
“No, I ate before I came to get you and I want to try and be good today.” I sighed.  
“Okay, well do you want to come downstairs with me to grab some food?”  
I smiled and nodded.  
Zayn took my hand and we went downstairs to the dining room and I got us a table while he went and got food from the buffet. My phone went off in the pocket of my shorts, it was Shane.

  
**Shane Filan**  
 _Finn, where are you?_?

  
**Finn Filan**  
 _In the dining room with Zayn, he’s having Brekky_  
why?

  
**Shane Filan**   
_We have to be at Croke Park in an hour. Get your shit_   


  
**Finn Filan**   
_Alright keep your boxers on. I’ll be at your room in twenty minutes_   


 

Zayn came back to the table with a plate of bacon and eggs and toast and a glass of Orange Juice. As he ate his breakfast, he had one hand resting on my thigh. I felt the familiar feeling of Zayn’s fingertips tracing over my scars on my thigh. I smiled at him shyly.  
“Zayn, have to be at Shane’s room in twenty minutes cause we need to be at Croke Park in an hour.”  
“If you need to get ready babe, go and just text me before you head off and I’ll meet you at Shane’s room.”  
I kissed his cheek and went up to my room to have a quick shower and change into a pair of ripped jeans and my favourite Beatles tee, my black vans with orange laces and put my Ray Bans on top of my head.

 

I put my diabetes supplies in my handbag, along with my wallet, VIP pass, room key, iPhone and I also put my phone charger and earphones in my bag. I put my outfit for the concert into my sports bag because it was a total surprise to everyone.  
I went to Shane’s room and knocked on the door, Shane answered with a smile.  
“Looking smart sis, where’s Malik?”  
“I don’t know, I’ll ask.”  
I quickly text Zayn

  
**Finn Filan**   
_We’re leaving now baby._   
_I’ll meet you in the lobby._   
_x Finn._   


 

 

“We’ll wait in the lobby for him. Kian, Nicky and Mark are waiting down there.” Shane stated.  
“Daddy, can I come with you?” Nicole asked.  
“Not to soundcheck baby, I’ll see you before the concert okay?” Shane said before he kissed Nicole’s cheek.

 

Shane and I got down to the lobby to find Kian, Nicky, Zayn and Mark all talking. “Croke Park here we come!” Nicky said with a smile.  
Zayn gestured for me to give him my sports bag to carry but I smiled and shook my head. He shrugged and took his hand in mine as we walked out to the mini van that was taking us to the venue.

“Are you nervous about tonight Finn?” Kian asked.  
“I’m more worried about stuffing up the piano part than the singing.” I sighed.  
Zayn gripped my hand and rubbed his thumb against it and kissed my cheek.  
“Baby, you will be fine. I promise you. You are so ready for this.” Zayn said reassuringly.  
I smiled at Zayn and he kissed my lips quickly. “This is your time to shine Finn. I’m going to love you regardless of whether you stuff up or not.”

Croke Park takes away my breath every single time I walk in there, but as soon as I walked in today, butterflies invaded my stomach. I just stood in the middle of the stadium looking up at the stage. I felt Zayn’s arms wrap around my waist. I traced his ZAP tattoo that I could see because he had pushed up his sleeves. He kissed my neck and then whispered in my ear.  
“You can do this Finn. Come on baby, let’s go rehearse.”

In less than seven hours I will be standing on that stage, the stage where my brother stood and will stand… I need to make him proud, I need to make my parents proud, I need to make Zayn proud, I need to prove to everyone that I’m not just riding on the coat tails of my brother and my boyfriend. I need to prove that I have talent. If there was anywhere to prove that, Croke Park would be it…


	2. I'm Not Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the final concert and Finn's first concert performance! Let's see how she goes.

Zayn and I went backstage and into Shane’s dressing room which was doubling as mine. Shane was sitting on one of the couches talking on his phone, so Zayn and I sat on the other couch and I snugged into his shoulder. I was so nervous about opening, I was scared of making a mistake and completely embarrassing myself.

“Finn, are you okay?” Zayn asked before he kissed my hair.  
“Just nervous.”  
“Finny, there’s a piano in Kian’s dressing room. You’re not due to sound check for another half hour.”  
“Okay, Zayn will you come with me?”  
“Sure thing babe.” He smiled.

We went and knocked on Kian’s dressing room door and he answered with a smile.  
“Finny! Come on in baby, do you need to use the piano?”  
“Yes please Kino!” I smiled.  
“Make yourselves comfortable guys. Zayn there’s beer in the fridge.” Kian smiled.  
“Thanks.” Zayn replied.

I made my way over to the piano and lifted the lid. There was something about the piano, it’s always been a release for me. Whenever I had a spare minute at home, I would sit at the piano and play. It didn’t matter if it was a few scales or even trying to write part of a song, it would send me into another world. I began to play the first song of my set – I’m Not Ready.

 

I am broken  
There’s a stranger on the phone  
Something’s missing from seven years ago  
You tell me baby, don’t you cry anymore  
That’s the past and not what we’ve become but I know

I am shaking  
Not a breath left to breathe  
All this sadness so cold that I can’t speak

Look me in the eyes  
You know it’s ok that we didn’t make it forever  
Come hold my hand  
Hold on to this last minute we have together

I’m not ready to say goodbye  
You and god both know all the years I’ve tried  
And if it’s over give me the strength to go  
Cause I know I’m never gonna be  
I’ll never be ready to say goodbye to you

Your bags are all packed  
They’re waiting at the door  
But it’s hard to imagine you won’t live here anymore  
I’m scared of tomorrow and the emptiness to come  
But I’ve changed for the better since I’ve known your love

So look me in the eyes  
You know it’s ok that we didn’t make it forever  
Come hold my hand  
Let’s hold on to this last minute we have together

Cause I’m not ready to say goodbye  
You and god both know all the years I’ve tried  
And if it’s over give me the strength to go  
Cause I know I’m never gonna be  
I’ll never be ready to say goodbye to you  
I’ll never be ready

And even if we tried we would end up right back to this place together  
This was not a lie, what we had will always be real love forever

Cause I’m not ready to say goodbye  
You and god both know  
All the years I’ve tried  
And if it’s over give me the strength to go  
Cause I know I’m never gonna be  
I’m not ready to say goodbye  
You and god both know  
All the years I’ve tried  
And if it’s over give me the strength to go  
Cause I know I’m never gonna be  
I’ll never be ready to say goodbye to you

I’ll never be ready

 

Kian looked over from the couch where he was typing away on his laptop and he clapped.  
“Finn! That is absolutely amazing, why have I not heard that song?”  
“Well I wanted to add an extra song to my set and I heard Delta Goodrem sing it last year and I thought it suited me pretty well. So Shane got Delta to send me the sheet music and I learnt it.”  
“That’s amazing, is that your first song in the set?” Kian asked.  
“Yeah I am.”  
“What are the songs from your demo again?” Zayn asked.  
“Don’t Ever by Missy Higgins, my own songs I’ll Be Fine and Angel with Devil Wings and then Fragile by Delta Goodrem.”  
“I was thinking the other day Finny, we should organise for you to do some writing with Delta or a mentoring session because your voices are very similar.”  
“Do you reckon she would though?”  
“You forget that she and Jodi are good friends” Kian smiled.  
“Oh yeah.”  
“Hey Finny, can you play Angel with Devil Wings? That’s my favourite song that you sing.” Zayn asked quietly.  
I smiled at him and nodded.  
“Kino, you know the guitar part for Angel with Devil Wings yeah?” I asked.  
“I sure do.” Kian said picking up the guitar he had sitting by the couch.

Kian began then the piano part came in over the top and I began to sing. Angel with Devil Wings was a song I wrote about Zayn in the first three months we started dating. It describes him so well, especially how he was when we started dating. He was having trouble working out his identity in the band – Niall was the adorable Irishman, Louis was the sassy one, Harry was the heart throb and Liam was the responsible one. People had given Zayn the label of the Bradford Bad Boy but he was the furthest thing from being a bad boy. Sure he had tattoos and piercings but he was such a sweetheart – an Angel with Devil Wings I guess you could say. However this song focused on how I saw him when we started dating, he was distant and unsure of himself.

You came down you looked around  
You came down to the water  
Took your shoes off and you waded then you  
walked a little further.

 

Teach you how to cry up there but you failed  
Teach you how to lie up there through the mail  
You’re an angel, with devil wings  
You’re an angel, with devil wings

 

You say one day you’ll fly away from here  
Suddenly you change your mind and you stay  
You’re nice but the black wings tell me otherwise  
Innocent face with a dirty mind  
You’re an Angel, with Devil Wings  
You’re an angel, with devil wings

 

Visit me when you calm down  
Don’t say goodbye when you leave  
Go back to all the things that you despise  
Rally what you believe to say please

You came down you looked around  
You came down to the water  
Took your shoes off and you waded then you  
walked a little further.

 

When the song was over, Zayn smiled and kissed me softly, “That song never fails to make me smile. The way you captured me through words Finny.”  
I laughed, “Zayn, stop being so philosophical!”  
“Kian, are you sure you can’t play guitar for me tonight?” I sighed.  
“I have a feeling it would set the crowd off more babe. You’ll be fine with Sam. I’ve made sure he knows the songs back to front. This is going to go off without a hitch.” Kian smiled and ruffled my hair.

“Why don’t you practice Fragile now?” Zayn asked.  
Fragile by Delta Goodrem was pretty much the song of my life from the time I was twelve and I first heard it. You could say Delta Goodrem is a family friend of ours because of her connection to Brian McFadden but she also did a song with Westlife on their Love Album in 2006. Fragile is my song because it seems to perfectly describe my state of mind – how I feel alone and weak and can’t do anything right.

I began to play and closed my eyes, just listening to the music and preparing to start to sing.

Six thoughts at once I can't focus on one   
Seven days a week but my life has just begun   
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome   
As I'm falling down I come undone 

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone   
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong   
Sometimes I feel so frail so small   
Sometimes I feel vulnerable   
Sometimes I feel a little fragile   
A little fragile 

In six thousand years what will this mean   
Words from the heart or a melody   
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome   
As I'm falling down I come undone 

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone   
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong   
Sometimes I feel nothing at all   
Sometimes I feel vulnerable   
Sometimes I feel a little fragile   
A little fragile 

If people can see right through my eyes   
Like an open door that I can't disguise   
I won't be afraid from the tears I cry   
I'll not run I'll not hide this is how I feel inside   
A little fragile   
A little fragile 

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone   
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong   
Sometimes I feel so frail so small   
Sometimes I feel vulnerable   
Sometimes I feel a little fragile

 

 

As I finished the song, I felt a tear roll down my cheek as it did nearly every time I sang that song. Zayn kissed my forehead and smiled. “That was beautiful Finn.”

There was a knock on Kian’s dressing room door and it opened to reveal Nicky.  
“Finny, they need you for soundcheck. Shane said to grab your inner ears from his dressing room.”  
“Thanks Nico.”

Zayn followed behind me and we went back into Shane’s dressing room. Zayn grabbed the inner ears for me while I did a quick blood sugar test. My glucometer beeped and showed me the result – 3.1. That was weird, I didn’t even feel a low coming on. I went into the bar fridge in the dressing room and got out a bottle of lucozade and began to drink it.  
“Finn, that won’t last you through soundcheck, you’ll drop again.”  
“I’ll be fine Zayn, I’ll have some lunch once I finish.” I smiled. “Souncheck will only take me half an hour ago.”

During soundcheck, I looked over to see Shane, Kian and Zayn watching with smiles plastered on their faces. Shane has been waiting for me to be ready to get on a stage and perform. He always believed in me, even when I was a stubborn thirteen year old who just wanted to be a swimmer, he always seemed to know music was something I would end up doing.

In the last song of my soundcheck, I felt my hands shaking and I knew it wasn’t nerves and I was zoning in and out. I looked over at Shane and motioned for a drink, he held up a bottle of lucozade and told me to keep going until the end of the song. Once the song was finished I shook Sam, the guitarist’s hand then went straight to the side of the stage where Shane and Zayn were standing.

“I told you that you wouldn’t make it through.” Zayn sighed.  
“Okay you were right.” I said before I drank half of the lucozade and sat on the ground to wait for it to boost my sugars back up again. Zayn sat beside me while Shane went to get me food.  
“You’re sounding good Finny.” Zayn said rubbing my back.  
“Thanks babe, I think I might actually be able to do this.”  
“I know you can.” Zayn smiled as I rested my head on his shoulder for five minutes.  
Shane returned with a bowl of pasta and my glucometer, “Here you go Finn.”

I tested and the result showed 14.5 but that’s because Lucozade shoots my levels up pretty high very quickly. I needed to have something long acting – like pasta to keep my levels the same. As I ate my pasta on the floor at the side of the stage, Shane and Zayn decided to kick a football along the stage and act like idiots.  
I like how well Shane and Zayn get on because Shane has always been very over protective of me and let’s just say at first Shane was a bit worried about Zayn and I dating. It took a lot of convincing on my part to get Shane to let me date…

Once I finished the pasta I went out to the stage and stole the ball from Shane and winked at him.  
“You’re cheeky Finn!”  
I laughed and passed the ball to Zayn.  
“Okay, I get it. You pass it to your boyfriend but not to your own brother?”  
“Well there are reasons for that.” I teased.  
“I don’t want to know!” Shane said blocking his ears.  
Zayn came and wrapped his arms around me and pecked my lips.  
“Oi Shane!” we heard Kian call from the side of the stage. “We need you backstage.”  
Shane nodded and disappeared backstage.  
“Let’s go down there and kick the ball around.” Zayn suggested.  
“Okay babe.” I smiled.

After about an hour of kicking the football around, we got told to go backstage because people were going to arrive for the Westlife soundcheck. Zayn and I decided to have a nap on the couch after I corrected my blood sugar from lunch. I snuggled into Zayn’s chest and he had his arms around me and kissed my cheek.  
“I love you Finn Filan.”  
“I love you more Zayn Malik.”  
I dozed off to the sound of Zayn singing my favourite One Direction song – Moments.

Four hours later, after a bit more practice and pacing around the hallways, it was nearly time for me to go on to open. I changed into my concert outfit which was a denim dress with black vans and the dog tag that Zayn gave me for our 1 Year and of course my trusty ray bans. I styled my hair a little and put on a tiny bit of make up. Zayn had let me have a bit of alone time before I went on so he went to meet Bella in the main backstage area. 

“Breathe Finn, breathe.” I said to myself as I looked in the mirror just trying to calm myself down. There was a knock on the door of the dressing room.  
“Yeah.”  
Shane walked in with a smile on his face, “Are you ready babe?”  
“I’m absolutely petrified.” I said.  
“What are your levels like?”  
“7.3”  
“Good girl. Bella is here by the way.”  
“I’ll see her before I go on.”  
“You’ve got five minutes baby girl. Do you want me to get your inner ears for you?”  
“I’m about to do that.”  
“Okay, well I’m going to go back out but I’ll come and get you when you have to go out.”  
“Thanks Shane.” I smiled.  
Shane hugged me and kissed my forehead. “I’m so proud of you Finn. I know Mum and Dad would be too.”  
I just smiled up at him and he let me go out of his grip.

I put my inner ears in and did a few vocal exercises before Shane appeared in the dressing room again. “Show time Finn!”  
“Here goes nothing.” I sighed.  
“Come on Finny! Get excited.”  
“It’s kind of hard to get excited when I’m petrified about making a mistake.”  
“Just relax Finn. Forget about everyone out there and imagine you’re sitting at the piano at home just practicing. I believe in you Finn and so does Kian, Mark, Nicky and Bella and especially Zayn.”  
I hugged Shane tightly and never wanted to let him go.  
“I wish Mum and Dad were here to see this.” I said, tears starting to well in my eyes.  
“Shh Finny, don’t cry. Come on let’s go.”  
Outside the dressing room door, Zayn and Bella were waiting. Bella hugged me tightly, “I love you so much Finn. I’m so proud of you.”  
“Thanks Bell.”  
“Come on baby, let’s go to the stage.” Zayn said taking my hand as we walked to the side of the stage where Sam the guitarist was waiting and I was handed my microphone. I took a deep breath and smiled at Zayn. He kissed me quickly and told me he loved me. Behind Zayn and Bella, Shane, Kian, Mark and Nicky were standing waiting anxiously. Shane signalled for me to walk out on stage.

I sighed and took the first steps onto the stage. The crowd started cheering and I waved shyly as Sam made his way to his stool beside the piano. I decided to address the crowd before I started.

“Hi everyone. I’m Finn, Shane’s little sister. I’m about to start work on my own album and so Shane saw it fitting that I should open the final concert. I’ll be performing two of my own songs, two Delta Goodrem songs and a Missy Higgins song. I hope you enjoy. Feel free to sing along if you know the Delta or Missy songs I am singing. Thanks.”

I sat at the piano for the first song – I’m Not Ready. I put the microphone in the stand and spoke into it once again.  
“So the first song I’ll play for you this evening is I’m Not Ready by Delta Goodrem. She actually performed it with Michael Bolton on Dancing with the Stars in America. I really hope you like it. This is I’m Not Ready.”

I’m Not Ready went off without a hitch, I looked to the side of the stage and smiled at everyone and Shane gave me a thumbs up. Zayn blew me a kiss and I winked at him. I looked out at the crowd and began to talk again.  
“The next song is one I wrote myself, it is dedicated to my late parents. It’s called I’ll Be Fine.”

Fade in,  
let the music start to play  
fade out, I don't wanna feel today  
the sun is starting to rise  
above the horizon  
feels a little weird.  
Cause you're not here  
I’m a little scared.  
I don't wanna feel this way  
and I don't wanna waste my days thinking of you  
I'll Be Fine

Breathe in,  
another breath of freedom  
feels kinda nice  
like sucking on ice.  
Breathe out, another breath of cold, cold  
air. Frozen on the inside  
and it'll weighten up this heart of mine.  
All I know is, I'm tired of feeling this way  
I'm tired of wasting my days thinking of you  
I'll Be fine.

Tell my story one day  
when we're old and grey  
maybe then I'll realise the purpose of this life  
cause right now i can't see.  
Two feet ahead of me  
blinded by the coldness  
and the loneliness  
all I know is, I'm tired of feeling this way  
I'm tired of wasting my days thinking of you  
I'll be fine.

 

That song always makes me emotional, it talks about how I’ll eventually be okay with Mum and Dad being gone. It may take me a while but it will happen one day. A tear rolled down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away and introduced the next song.  
“Okay so this next song is called Don’t Ever by Missy Higgins. Sam is going to play guitar for the next two songs so enjoy.”

 

Let's take the train to anywhere   
I wanna feel the wind in my hair with you.   
Let's tell them all, that soon they'll know   
How very wrong they were to think we'd never go, 

And if you tell me yours I'll tell you mine   
And we will clean the cobwebs out of one anothers minds. 

Don't ever say you've tried to leave me in this life   
Don't ever say you've tried for the last time. 

We'll get a house where the trees hang low and pretty little flowers   
On our window sill will grow   
We'll make friends with the milk man and the butcher Mr. Timms   
Will give us discounts when he can, 

And if you tell me yours I'll tell you mine,   
And we will clean the cobwebs out of one anothers minds. 

Don't ever say you've tried to leave me in this life   
Don't ever say you've tried for the last time   
LA DI DA DI DA... 

Don't ever say you've tried to leave me in this life   
Don't ever say you've tried to leave me in this life   
Don't ever say you've tried for the last time...

 

Half way through the song, I forgot the words and tried to improvise but I freaked out and looked over at the side of the stage for reassurance. Zayn smiled at me and I heard something in my inner ear.  
Keep going Finn. Keep going  
It was Nicky and I took a breath and began to sing again, shakily but I regained my confidence at the end. In my mind I was kicking myself. I knew this would happen. I am such a screw up.

At the end of Don’t Ever, the crowd applused so loudly. “Thank you. I’m sorry for the little mistake. Okay the next song is another one of my own called Angel with Devil Wings. This was actually written by me about my boyfriend Zayn who I’m sure most of you know. Anyway, enjoy Croke Park!”

 

You came down you looked around  
You came down to the water  
Took your shoes off and you waded then you  
walked a little further.

 

Teach you how to cry up there but you failed  
Teach you how to lie up there through the mail  
You’re an angel, with devil wings  
You’re an angel, with devil wings

 

You say one day you’ll fly away from here  
Suddenly you change your mind and you stay  
You’re nice but the black wings tell me otherwise  
Innocent face with a dirty mind  
You’re an Angel, with Devil Wings  
You’re an angel, with devil wings

 

Visit me when you calm down  
Don’t say goodbye when you leave  
Go back to all the things that you despise  
Rally what you believe to say please

You came down you looked around  
You came down to the water  
Took your shoes off and you waded then you  
walked a little further.

Angel with Devil Wings didn’t go as well as I expected, I was a little pitchy in places but I think that’s because my confidence was shaken from the last song but it was good. The good thing about performing one of my own songs that hasn’t been released yet is that people don’t know how it’s supposed to sound.

“Dublin! We’ve come to the final song of our set, I’m sure you’re all just waiting for my gorgeous brother and his three best mates to come out. Trust me tonight is going to be so much fun. I hope you’ve enjoyed me opening the show and you’ll want to hear more from me. Feel free to follow me on Twitter my twitter name is FinnFilan. Captial F’s, and I do follow back occasionally. So my final song tonight Croke Park is called Fragile and it is also a Delta Goodrem song, this song has meant a lot to me over the years with different things I’ve been through so I thought it was fitting to sing it for you tonight. So Croke Park thank you for being so great, this is Fragile.”

 

Six thoughts at once I can't focus on one   
Seven days a week but my life has just begun   
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome   
As I'm falling down I come undone 

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone   
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong   
Sometimes I feel so frail so small   
Sometimes I feel vulnerable   
Sometimes I feel a little fragile   
A little fragile 

In six thousand years what will this mean   
Words from the heart or a melody   
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome   
As I'm falling down I come undone 

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone   
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong   
Sometimes I feel nothing at all   
Sometimes I feel vulnerable   
Sometimes I feel a little fragile   
A little fragile 

If people can see right through my eyes   
Like an open door that I can't disguise   
I won't be afraid from the tears I cry   
I'll not run I'll not hide this is how I feel inside   
A little fragile   
A little fragile 

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone   
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong   
Sometimes I feel so frail so small   
Sometimes I feel vulnerable   
Sometimes I feel a little fragile

I smiled at the crowd and got up from the piano and took a bow. I gestured at Sam and said thank you before he walked off the stage.  
“Thanks once again Croke Park, enjoy the last ever Westlife Concert. It will be the best show of your life I can guarantee it.” I exclaimed before I waved one last time then walked off stage breathing a huge sigh of relief and straight into Zayn’s arms where he gave me the softest kiss and whispered in my ear, “Finn Filan! I am so god damn proud of you baby girl! You owned it out there.”  
“I stuffed up though.”  
“Finn! That’s okay, it happens to everyone. Hell it’s happened to Liam!” he said rubbing his hands reassuringly on my back.  
“Finn freaking Filan, you were absolutely amazing out there!” Shane praised before hugging me tightly. “I’m so fucking proud of you. Hell we all are.”  
“Thanks Shane,” I said with a shy smile.  
“Go out the back, there’s a drink waiting for you!” Shane encouraged with a smile.  
Bella, Zayn and I all ran out to the back area. Zayn grabbed himself a beer and a sugar free vodka crusier for Bella and one for me as well and we all sat on the couch.  
“Finn. You fucking nailed it babe.” Bella smiled.

 

At the end of the concert, which I sobbed like a baby the entire way through by the way, watching from the side of the stage, everything hit me like a tonne of bricks. There was no more Westlife; I had fucked up at a concert in front of 87,000 people and I was a total failure. There was no way I was going to make it in the music industry.

When we got back to the hotel, Bella was staying with her older brother a few minutes from Croke Park, Zayn went downstairs to get us some food while I had a shower. I quickly went into the room I was in the night before which was now being taken by Nicole because I’m so nice – and I grabbed my pyjamas and a fresh pair of panties and my phone charger and toiltries and went back to Zayn’s room. The lads and their wives and Mark’s new squeeze were all out getting drunk but I decided that Zayn and I should have an early night – after all we hadn’t spent any real “alone time” together in a month. Nicole, Patrick, Shane Jr, Rocco, Jay and Koa were all being looked after by the grandmas – well Nicole, Patrick and Shane Jr were being looked after by Kian’s Mum Patricia.

As I was in the shower and the water was washing over my body, I tried to let all my thoughts about the concert wash away… I wasn’t having much luck though. I just had the nagging feeling in my mind that everything was about to go wrong but before I could do anything drastic I finished getting cleaned up and got out of the shower and into my pyjamas. I laid down on the bed and decided to get on Twitter and write a status about the concert.

FinnFilan: A big thanks to the crowd at Croke Park for being so encouraging for my first performance. Did you enjoy the whole show? #byewestlife x

 

It didn’t take long for replies and follows to start coming in:

@Irishlifer well done @FinnFilan you should be so proud of yourself. Those songs were beautiful x

@Kiansgirl @FinnFilan you are a gorgeous young woman with a great voice. Im not ready was amazing #gofinn

@Zaynlover @FinnFilan I don’t get why Zayn likes you or why Shane bothers. You’re worthless and talentless.

Okay, now I know how Harry feels when he gets hate on Twitter. As he’s said before, you might get lots of messages saying how good you are but then there’ll be a few messages saying that someone hates you or thinks you are bad at what you do. It’s always the bad ones that stand out more. I put my phone down and decided to take my night time insulin before Zayn got back with Supper and I just relaxed and closed my eyes for a little while.


	3. Breathe

Zayn

When I got back to the room, I found Finn fast asleep and curled up in a ball. I saw her cheeks were streaked with tears. I couldn’t figure out why though. I saw her iPhone light up with a text from Shane.

Shane Filan  
Finn! Baby, are you okay?  
I saw the things on twitter  
Call me x

Please dear God tell me there’s no twitter hate… 

I sat on the bed next to Finn and got out my iPhone and onto twitter and searched Finn Filan. Well the atrocious things that I saw just made me so mad. I’m not a violent or vicious person but if ANYBODY insults Finn, I get really mad. When we started publicly dating, the amount of hate that Finn got was ridiculous. She was already struggling enough with her depression, that just escalated it even more. The amount of times I would wake up and find her sitting on the couch in tears or she would be in the bathroom with a razor in her hand and her thighs or stomach covered in fresh cuts were heartbreaking. Finn didn’t need people talking about her in the way they were. The reason I fell for Finn was that we had both been through similar things and we thought the same way about things. I’m not going to deny that I’ve had times where I’ve been depressed, I mean having people telling you that they think you are crap at what you do for a living or that you aren’t good looking enough to be famous or people just putting labels on you all the time certainly makes you question your place in the world. Standing up for Finn is something I would do without question – so I decided to make a tweet…

@ZaynMalik: To all those ppl saying horrible things about @FinnFilan just think about how it would make u feel if someone said that about you! Finn did amazing today and I’m so proud. 

I got a text from Shane just after I posted that tweet.

Shane Filan  
Zayn, is Finn okay? She hasn’t replied to my text

Zayn Malik  
Finn is asleep, I just saw all those tweets. I’m so pissed off!

Shane Filan  
Keep an eye on her tonight… We probably won’t be back until the morning

Zayn Malik  
No worries. Have a good night don’t worry about Finn

I decided I had better wake Finn up to have some food before she really fell asleep for the night and her blood sugar decides to drop.  
“Finny babe, wake up,” I said shaking her lightly and kissing her cheek.  
She fluttered her eyes open and smiled.  
“Hey Z.”  
“I have food for you.”  
“Thanks, babe,” she replied sitting up then kissing me softly. I laid down as she kissed me and she decided to straddle me.  
I smirked and my hands went to her bum and squeezed it and she giggled.  
“Feeling frisky babe?” she asked.  
“Well, I can’t help my girlfriend is incredibly sexy and gorgeous and knows how to turn me on.” I said huskily before I traced patterns on her hip.  
She decided she wanted to mark the crook between my neck and collarbone, the usual spot she likes to mark.   
“Finn.” I moaned.   
Finn kissed my lips hard and I smirked. I tugged at her pajama shirt and she sat up and took it off.   
I flipped us over so Finn was underneath me, she smiled up at me and I captured her lips for another kiss.  
“I love you Finn Filan.” I said pulling away before I kissed down her neck and to her stomach. I felt her pull her stomach in and I looked up at her reassuringly  
“Finn, you’re gorgeous.”

I kissed each scar that was on her stomach and ran my finger tips along the scars on her thighs. I pulled down Finn’s pyjama pants and took off my jeans and t-shirt. We were both left in our underwear and Finn sat up.  
“Zayn , I want you.”  
“Shhh babe, lie down.” I whispered before I kissed her ear.   
Finn laid back down and I slipped her underwear off and kissed her pussy. She moaned and wriggled. I flicked my tongue over her clit and Finn’s hands tangled themselves in my hair. I kept going and this time inserted two fingers, making Finn moan and buck her hips up. I smirked as I kept eating her out.   
“Fuck, Zayn.” She moaned.  
I took my mouth off her and looked up at her, “Are you going to cum bub.” I groaned as I stroked the inside of her thigh with my other hand as I kept fingering here,  
She nodded at me so I took my fingers out of her pussy, making her whine because of the loss of contact.   
“It’s alright babe, it’s okay.” I said before I kissed her forehead then I took off my boxers.   
Finn’s hand made its way down to my cock and she tugged on it, making me moan.  
“Finn, don’t babe.” I said taking her hand off me.  
“But…”  
“No babe, this is about you. Are you ready?”  
She nodded and I kissed her one more time as I lined myself up with her entrance.  
As I slipped inside, Finn moaned and kissed me hard. I moved my hips slowly, and gripped Finn’s hips as well, probably leaving bruises.   
“ZAYN!” she moaned loudly.  
“Shhh baby, shhh.”  
“F…f…faster.”  
“Ready for this baby?”  
She nodded and let out a whine. I smirked and pounded into her roughly.   
“Shit Zayn!”  
Two minutes later we both reached our high and I kissed her as I came inside her.  
“I love you Finn Filan.” I said as I pulled out of her and kissed her forehead.  
“I love you too Zayn. I really do.” She sighed.  
“’I am so proud of how you sang today, I have never seen you so focused and happy.”  
“But I screwed up.”  
“So what Finn? You were doing what you loved baby and for that I’m so proud of you.” I said as I kissed her softly.  
“I was thinking of you the whole time I was out there. All I wanted to do was make you proud.”  
“And you did Finn.” I said running my hands through her hair and caressing her cheek.  
“I hate to ask baby but can I have food now?”  
“Yeah sorry my bad, we got distracted.”


	4. Before the Storm

Before the Storm  
A week later, I was back in London and staying with Zayn and the lads. Shane, Gillian and the kids were in Sligo visiting our other brothers and sisters. There had been a fair bit of backlash about my performance at Croke Park but also a lot of encouragement. The more I watched footage of the concert and my performance, the more and more confident I became about my singing. I was due to go to America with Zayn, Harry, Louis, Liam and Niall in three days because they were going over to record and Shane didn’t want me being left at home on my own because they would be in Sligo for three weeks.

I was sitting watching TV with Liam and helping him write a song in the process. Liam and I are really close, we’re both quite intense people and he’s always been good at getting me to see things from another perspective. Zayn was outside having a cigarette, a habit of his that I didn’t really like but I can’t tell him to change. It relaxes him and takes his mind off things. I excused myself and went out to the backyard and found Zayn sitting on the deck with his cigarette in hand. I kissed his cheek and smiled, “Hey babe.”

“Finn, are you okay?”  
“Yeah, fine I just wanted to come out and sit with you.”  
“How’s your song writing with Liam going?”  
“It’s good,”  
“Do you want to go out and see a movie and get some lunch?” Zayn asked.  
I nodded with a smile, “Can we go and see Ted?”  
“I was thinking of seeing that anyway. Do you want me to see if the other lads want to come?”  
“Can it just be the two of us?” I asked.  
“Of course gorgeous.” He replied.  
“I’ll go and change and I’ll meet you in the downstairs TV room?”  
“I’ll come with you, I need to get changed too.” He smiled.  
“You look sexy, you don’t need to change.”  
“Yeah I do, I’m in a singlet and torn jeans.”  
“It’s sexy!”  
“I’m taking you out for lunch, I can’t look like this.”  
“Does it look like I care?”  
“Just, let’s go Finn.”  
Zayn put out his cigarette and took my hand and we went up to his floor and into our room. I looked in my side of Zayn’s wardrobe to find something to wear. I picked out a light blue and white dress and brown Roman sandals. I went into the bathroom to change and I fixed up my hair a little and put some of my favourite Versace Perfume. When I came out of the bathroom I found Zayn lying on the bed dressed in a pair of dark denim jeans, a white print t-shirt and a hot leather jacket and his white Supras and looking at something on his phone. I smiled at him and got on the bed next to him.

“Why is it you get to look sexy in whatever you wear?” I asked.  
“I could say the same about you Filan! I love that dress.” He said kissing my temple.  
I snuggled into his frame and rested my head on his chest. I could smell his distinct scent – cigarettes, mint and his favourite cologne. He kissed my hair and his finger tips were gliding up and down my arm giving me goose bumps.  
“I could stay here forever.” I sighed.  
“Me too Finny, me too.”  
“Zayn, I need to tell you something.”  
“yeah.”  
“I feel like I’m slipping again.”  
“Really baby?”  
“Yeah, just everything from last week is bothering me and I know it shouldn’t. I’ve tried looking at the positives of it all but my habits just keep wanting to come back.”  
“It’s okay Finn, we’ll work through it. You know you just talk to me if you’re feeling like slipping into bad habits again.”  
“I know, just sometimes I don’t want you to think I’m a pest and can’t take care of myself.”  
“Finn… we’re in a relationship. We have to communicate and if you are feeling like this you just have to tell me. I’ll help. I’ve been through it.”  
“I know.” I sighed.  
“Finn, I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about anyone. I hate seeing you feel like you aren’t worth anything. To me you’re worth more than all this fame, money and travel. I would do anything to make you happy.”  
I got up on my knees and leant over Zayn and kissed him softly.  
“I know baby, I know.”  
“Come on babe, let’s go to this movie otherwise we’ll be here all day.”

Later that night, Zayn was fast asleep and I was wide awake. I had my iPod earphones in and I was listening to Westlife because ever since I was little it has been able to send me to sleep. But it was now midnight and I wasn’t asleep. I felt the temptation to harm and I didn’t want to wake Zayn so I went out onto the balcony of Zayn’s room with my phone and dialled Shane’s number.

“Hello?” Shane said sleepily.  
“Sorry Shane, it’s Finn.”  
“Hi baby, are you okay?”  
“I can’t sleep and Zayn is fast asleep.”  
“What’s on your mind?”  
“I just can’t shake those old feelings.”  
“Babe, I swear to you, you did so well the other night. Have you had your iPod in?”  
“Yeah, I’ve been listening to the Back Home album since ten o’clock on repeat.”  
“Well maybe go and have a nice warm bath and just relax and you’ll fall asleep. Are your levels okay?”  
“I think so, I haven’t checked since I did my lantus.”  
“Okay. Anyway Finny I need to go. No doubt Shane will be awake in a few hours.”  
“Alright.”  
“Be good, call me if you need me okay?”  
“I will. Night Shane, love you.”  
“I love you too Finn.”  
I went back inside and found Zayn was still fast asleep, I sighed and went into the bathroom and ran myself a warm bubble bath. I put my phone onto the speakers in the bathroom and put on the Where We Are album, lit a few candles around the bath and changed out of my pyjamas turned off the bathroom light and slipped into the water.

I shut my eyes and let all my muscles relax. The sound of Shane, Kian, Mark and Nicky’s voices almost sent me into a trance like state but not a positive trance like state. My state of mind got the better of my relaxed state and me. I grabbed the razor that was sitting on the edge of the bath and I slid it across my wrist quickly, feeling the sting but the blood hadn’t risen to the surface. I cut again but deeper this time and as I made the second cut, the blood from the first rose. I know self harm is wrong and I should talk to Zayn about how I’m feeling but in my mind right now this is what I need and I’ll be damned if anyone gets in my way.

“Shit” I cursed as the bathroom door opened and I dropped the razor into the bubbles.  
“Sorry baby, it’s just me. I didn’t know where you went. I woke up and you weren’t next to me.” Zayn said as he flicked on the light.  
“I couldn’t sleep,”   
“I’ll go and make you a hot chocolate baby, you should get out. You look cold now.”  
“Alright, I’ll be out in a minute.”  
“Hang on… where’s the fucking blade?” he asked angrily walking towards me and holding up my wrist.  
“I… in the water.” I said, a tear starting to roll down my cheek.  
“Get out of the bath and I’ll fix it.” He said shortly before walking out the door.

As Zayn left the bathroom and shut the door, I got out and wrapped myself in a fluffy grey towel and held some toilet paper to my cuts. I went into the walk in wardrobe and got a pair of my underpants and a t-shirt of Zayn’s and got changed and went into the kitchen.

“Here you go bub.” Zayn asked passing me the cup of hot chocolate as I sat at the breakfast bar  
“Thanks.”  
“So what’s on your mind?” he asked going into the first aid kit and getting out some dettol and a dressing for my wrist.  
“I don’t know, I just couldn’t sleep.”  
“Finn.” He said sternly as he steralised and dressed my cuts   
“What, it’s true!”  
“Finn, just talk to me… I hate seeing you like this. And not being able to sleep is not a reason to cut yourself Finn!”  
“I already told you what was wrong, just drop it. And FYI Malik, not being able to sleep distresses me and triggers me because I’m awake with my thoughts on my fucking own because you’re fast asleep.  
“Fine.” Zayn said shortly before he left the kitchen.  
I rolled my eyes and sighed as I heard him slam the bedroom door.

Far out I’m a screw up. There’s more wrong than I want to admit to Zayn, but I don’t want him running scared. I love Zayn more than words can describe and I know for a fact if he leaves me I will never be the same.

When I eventually went back into our room, Zayn had his noise cancelling headphones on and was pretending to be asleep but I knew he wasn’t. I snuggled up to his back and ran my hand up his arm which was partly covered by his white t-shirt. He rolled over and looked at me. He kissed my nose and slipped off his headphones.  
“Finn, I just wish you’d talk to me and stop leaving me in the dark.”  
“I’m scared of losing you. I’m scared that if my problems get worse you’re going to walk out on me.”  
“Finn, we’ve been through hell and back before and we can do it again. I love you Finn. I’m not going to walk out on you, yes you harming makes me mad but that’s because I hate seeing you fighting with yourself. You’re beautiful and I don’t want you scaring your skin. You’re beautiful with your scars as well don’t get me wrong but watching you in pain and being reminded of your pain constantly isn’t easy for me and I know it can’t be easy for you. Finn, you cry in your sleep nearly every night when we’re sharing a bed. Do you know how distressing that is? I keep thinking im the reason you’re crying. Hell sometimes I probably am because I can be an insensitive prick but I want to protect you… I can’t be here all the time we both know that… but I need reassurance that you’re safe and if I can’t trust you to have a bath, what the fuck can I trust you to do Finn?” he said, tears pouring down his face, the start of each word augmented by his sobs.

I swiped my thumb over a tear that was on his cheek.  
“I wish I could change. I want to change for you. I’d do anything to be different and not this fucked up, depressed, shy and unsure excuse for a human being. I want to be someone you can be proud of.”  
“For fuck’s sake Finn, I’m proud of you and all you’re achieving. We’re taking it day by day you know that. Each day is different and I know I’d be lying if I wasn’t struggling with things but we’re here for each other Finn and that’s all that matters. I don’t want you to change who you are because I love every part of you more and more each day but I’m so scared I’m going to lose you one day because you take it too far. If you ever took it too far, I’d have to follow.” He sighed before he kissed my nose.


	5. All I Want is You

**Zayn**  
I hate losing it at Finn, especially when she has been harming because she’s so vulnerable but I just wish she’d understand how much I need her. I never know if she’s upset about something I’ve done, something fans have said, something her brother has said or if it’s about her parents. In the year we have been together she has hardly spoken about her parents. I know for a fact that’s where her problems are originated from. She was fourteen when they passed away and she was left to grow up without them. All her other siblings had grown up with parents – having Shane as a parent figure shouldn’t have happened. Shane has told me it had a lot of strain on their connection as siblings. He had to discipline her which is something no brother should have to do. Sure an older brothers job is to watch out for his younger siblings but never to discipline them. 

On the plane to LA Finn pretty much sat and played her guitar and wrote songs and slept. I slept most of the flight and when I wasn’t sleeping Liam and I were battling each other in FIFA on the PlayStation we had set up on the jet. When we got to LA and settled into the hotel room, Finn had a shower and pretty much crashed. I had serious jetlag and couldn’t sleep so I decided I’d go and hang out with Niall in his room and watch a few movies once I was in my pyjamas.

Half way through the second movie I got a text from Finn.  
Finn Filan  
Baby, where are you??

Zayn Malik  
I couldn’t sleep so I’m watching a movie with Niall  
Are you okay? X

Finn Filan  
I just wasn’t sure where you were.   
I’m fine. Keep watching a movie x

“Whose that?” Niall asked.  
“Finn, she just woke up. I should go and see if she’s okay.”  
“It’s one in the morning anyway Zee. I’m going to try and get some sleep.”  
“What time is our meeting in the morning?” I asked.  
“Ten o’clock but Paul is getting us up at eight thirty. What’s Finn going to do for the day?”  
“I’m not sure, I know she has to start getting into her song writing and choosing so she might do that or do some exploring.”  
“Fair enough, are you going to write with her?”  
“I have a song I wrote for her that I’d love her to put on her album but it’s up to her.”  
“We should get her to open for us at Madison Square Garden.”  
“That’d be awesome hey. I’ll talk to her about it but I think she might want to work up to that. I know Croke Park was huge for her and she is still punishing herself for stuffing up.”  
“Mmm fair enough.”  
“I’ll see you in the morning Nialler”  
“Yep, sleep tight Z.”

When I got back to Finn and I’s room I saw she was on her laptop with her guitar in her lap.  
“Hi baby, sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up.”  
“It’s okay I just wasn’t sure where you went.”  
“I’m going to go to sleep now.”  
“Oh okay, I’ll put my guitar away.”  
“No, keep playing it’s okay. What’s your plan tomorrow?”  
“I was going to do a bit of exploring and just have a quiet day. What have you got on?”  
“A few meetings and interviews I think and I don’t know what time we get back.”  
“That’s okay I can do my own thing you don’t have to babysit me.”  
“I know but I feel bad leaving you on your own.”  
“It’s fine honestly.” She said getting off the bed and moving her laptop and guitar to the desk. 

“What are your levels like baby?” I asked.  
“I checked them when I woke up – 10.5.”  
“Did you…”  
“Take my lantus.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Yeah I did. I forgot before I crashed before.” She said as she got back into bed next to me.  
She rested her head on my chest and I played with the ends of her hair.  
“Finny, when we get to New York I want to take you somewhere special.”  
“New York in itself is special Zayn.”  
“Well I’m going to come up with something special to do just the two of us okay?”  
“Alright.”  
“I love you baby.” I said kissing her forehead.  
She put her arm over my chest and sighed.  
“I love you too.”

After a week in LA filled with meetings, interviews, studio time and various functions, it was time to go to New York. On the morning of our flight to JFK, I got a text from Shane.  
Shane Filan  
Hi Zayn,  
Hope America is going okay  
If Finn is a bit off today it’s been 5 years today  
since Mum & Dad passed away. Try and get her to talk about it  
Or get her to call me  
Thanks.  
Shane.

That explains why Finn was reluctant to get out of bed this morning and why she wouldn’t eat breakfast. On the plane she was quiet, just sitting listening to music and writing in her journal. I had my hand on her thigh most of the way, my thumb tracing different patterns trying to get her attention but she just didn’t want to talk. When we got to the hotel in New York we learnt we had the rest of the day off which was a relief because I needed to sit Finn down and get her to talk.

“What do you want to do for the rest of the day Finn?”  
“I’m happy to just stay in bed.”  
“Do you want to talk about it Finn?” I asked.  
“Talk about what?”  
“I know what today is Finn and you need to get out how you’re feeling.”  
“I’m fine Zayn.”  
“Finn you have hardly said a word to anyone all day. Either talk to me or call Shane. I’m giving you two options.”  
“I’m giving myself a third option, I’m going to sleep.”  
“Not an option. Finn why is this so hard for you to talk about?”  
“Because Zayn… no one else around me understands what it’s like to not have both parents around. You don’t get it. So don’t you dare try and understand it. It’s different for Shane and all my other siblings. They have families of their own. They’re now parents to their own kids, their kids still have parents. It’s not fucking fair Zayn, no one gets it.”  
“Baby, if you let me in maybe I can learn to understand. Finn I hate seeing you like this because I don’t know how to help.”  
“C… c… can we go for a walk?”  
“Yeah sure.”  
“Without a bodyguard.”  
“I don’t know baby.”  
“Please.”  
“Where do you want to go for a walk?”  
“Central Park.”  
“Alright, I’ll get a snap back on and my ray bans. Put yours on too.”  
“Okay.”

I told Paul where we were going and that I would call if anything went wrong. I took Finn’s hand as we went out the back entrance of the hotel which backed onto Central Park. There were paps lurking around the hotel but we managed to sneak away after one or two photos and I politely asked them to leave us be.

Finn and I walked in silence through Central Park, I noticed whenever I saw parents with their kids kicking a football she would look down at the ground and hold my hand just that little bit tighter. We came to a secluded spot with no families or other couples and we took a seat under a tree.

“Okay Finn, spill it.”  
“I explained it to you back at the hotel.”  
“No, how you feel right now.”  
“I’m just pissed off because it was my fault.”  
“What was your fault Finn?”  
“Mum and Dad passing away.”  
“Finn, I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t your fault.”  
“Yeah it was. They were heading back to Sligo from Dublin where I was doing a swim meet and it was raining and they crashed the car. If I hadn’t insisted that they go back to Sligo so I could stay with Shane in Dublin they would never have died.” She sobbed.  
I put my arm around her and she grabbed my t-shirt and just sobbed. I kissed her temple and rubbed her back trying to reassure her that she would be okay.

“Finn, I promise you it wasn’t your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself. It’s only going to make you feel worse. Your Mum and Dad would be so proud of you and everything you have achieved in the last five years. I know it’s hard for you not having your parents around and you probably wouldn’t have half the issues you do if they were still alive but you really have to not blame yourself Finn. I love you regardless. You know for a fact you can talk to me about anything, the two of us have no secrets.” I replied kissing her cheek.  
“Yeah we do… you won’t tell me what you’re struggling with.”  
“Right now you’re a bit more important than me baby. I want you to feel better first then we’ll deal with what’s bothering me okay? I can talk to Liam about it if I want or Nialler.”  
“But like you said, we don’t have secrets. Come on Malik, spill.” She whispered.  
“I’m just worried about the album. What if it’s not as good as the first one and we loose all our fans? I want to tour again but if people don’t like us we won’t be able to.” I said, obviously lying.  
“Firstly Zayn, the album will be amazing, I know that for a fact. You won’t lose fans, you guys have the best fans in the universe… when they choose to be nice. Second of all, I know it’s more than that.” She said seriously.  
“I miss my family. I haven’t seen them in three months and it’s killing me. Every time I talk to Mum on the phone she cries. I want the two of us to go and visit Bradford one weekend when we get back to England. That is if you’ll come with me.”  
“Of course, I love your family. Your Mum is amazing and your Dad always makes me feel at home and your sisters are like my own!” she smiled  
“Well it’s a date!” I exclaimed.  
“Come on Zayn what else is bothering you?” she asked.  
“I’m worried about losing you babe. Honestly when I close my eyes at night I pray that when I wake up you will still be next to me and breathing. I’m petrified one morning I’ll find you in the bathroom bleeding out or you’ll have taken too much insulin and drop too low and I don’t wake up in time or your blood sugar goes too high and you go into a coma. I know I should trust you to be okay but fuck you give me reasons not to trust you sometimes Finn.” I replied, my voice cracking as I admitted my deepest fear to Finn.  
“I know and I’m sorry but this has been my way of coping for so long breaking habits is so hard and I want to be strong for you, so you don’t have to worry about me. You have a career to worry about. You shouldn’t have to be stressed about your girlfriend’s mental state.” She said, tears falling down her cheeks.  
“But as your boyfriend that’s my job. To worry about you and I wish you would let me in more. You’re the only girl I want in my life Finn. You’re my best friend and if I lost you… I wouldn’t be the same.” I rambled.  
“You’d have to follow.” She said quietly.  
“That’s right, I’d have to follow.”  
“I hate it when the day of Mum and Dad’s death comes around because I spend all day feeling like crap and I don’t want to look after myself.”  
“Well, while we’re strolling around Central Park, let’s find some ice cream and we’ll wander back to the hotel okay?”  
“Okay.” She smiled.  
I leant in and kissed her softly.  
“I love you Finn.”  
“Right back at you Zee.”

I never got to take Finn out at night while we were in New York, the boys and I had functions to attend and Finn wasn’t allowed to come so she would spend the night in the hotel room writing for her album, skyping Shane her song ideas or on the phone to Kian talking about the first meeting with Simon when she gets back to London or even just sleeping. I felt bad that I didn’t get to spend much time with her on her own but she understood. She would tag along with us to the studio and network with the producers and writers, asking what they thought of her writing and they certainly thought she had talent.

When we got back to London Finn had a meeting with Simon Cowell about her album and she was so nervous. She’d grown up knowing Simon obviously because of Shane but the fact he was now her boss scared her. I reassured her she would be in good hands. On the Tuesday morning which was her meeting, Finn was up unusually early – 7am, the shower was running and she emerged from the bathroom dressed in a black skirt, white button up shirt and a suit jacket. Her hair was spiked up and she had even put make up on. 

“Baby you look sexy.” I said sleepily as she sat on the edge of the bed and ran her hand through my bed hair.  
“I wasn’t exactly going for sexy… I was more going for business like.”  
“Oh and that too but still sexy.” I smirked.  
“What’s your plan for today baby?”  
“Well I was going to go to the studio to do some recording, then I’m having lunch with the lads and then coming back for a sleep. Are you staying here tonight or back at your place?”  
“Shane got back last night so I’ll probably go home tonight, unless you want me to stay here.”  
“It’s completely up to you, just let me know after your meeting. It’d probably be good for you to spend a bit of time with Shane.”  
“You could stay at mine if you want.”  
“Would Shane care?”  
“No, not at all. As long as you don’t have an early start.”  
“Nope, I’m all yours tomorrow. Also this weekend – Bradford. Are you in?”  
“Yep. Can’t wait.”  
“Good.” I smiled before she kissed me quickly.  
“I have to go and wait outside for Kian, he’s picking me up in five minutes.” She said as she slipped on a pair of black heels.  
“Finn Filan in heels… wow.”  
“Shut up, I need to look professional.”  
“Professional and sexy.” I winked.  
“If you don’t stop trying to seduce me Malik I won’t get to release my album because I’ll be too busy here having you and as much as I’d like to do that… my album needs to be arranged.”  
“Yes baby. Good luck, call me after and tell me how you go.”  
“I will.”  
“Don’t forget your song journal.”  
“It’s in my handbag.”  
“Diabetes gear.”  
“About to go and get it.”  
“What’s your levels at the moment?”  
“4.1 but I’ll have a glass of juice and get Kian to get me some breakfast on the way to the meeting or knowing him he’ll be organised and have made me a toastie.”  
“Okay.”  
“Any more questions?”  
“Nope you’re free to go now. I love you.”  
“I love you too, go back to sleep.”

**Finn**

I went out the front of the complex and sat and waited for Kian to pick me up. As I waited Liam came out and sat with me.  
“Hey Finn.”  
“Hi Li!”  
“You’re looking pretty this morning, where are you off to?”  
“I have my meeting with Simon this morning.”  
“Are you nervous?”  
“Just a little, what if he doesn’t like the songs I’ve come up with?”  
“Trust me Finny, he will. All the songs you’ve written are amazing plus the one we wrote together better be good,” he smiled.  
“Li, has Zayn mentioned anything to you lately?”  
“What do you mean Finn?”  
“Something is going on with him and he won’t tell me and I know he tells you everything.”  
“Finn even if he did tell me you know I can’t tell you.”  
“You boys and your stupid bro code.” I huffed.  
“He’ll tell you when he’s ready Finn.”  
“But that’s not fair, he expects me to tell him everything but he won’t tell me anything.”  
“It’s just the way Zayn works Finny, sorry.” Liam sighed.

I saw Kian’s black BMW pull up out the front of the complex and I hugged Liam goodbye and made my way to the car. As I opened the door I heard Kian’s car radio playing Coldplay.  
“Still enjoying the dulcet tones of Coldplay I see Egan,” I teased.  
“My car, I’m driving, I choose the music,” he rebutted with a smile.  
“How are you Kino?” I asked as I buckled in.  
“Good thanks Finny, how are you feeling?”  
“Yeah good thanks. Hey Kian, can we stop somewhere for food? I haven’t had breakfast yet and my levels are a little low.”  
“Sure, we’ll stop by a bakery on the way,” he replied.

Two minutes from the Syco building Kian pulled up at a little bakery and we went in and both chose something for breakfast. I chose a ham and cheese crossiant and an orange juice and Kian had a toasted sandwich and a coffee and we got in the car and made our way to the meeting with ten minutes to spare. 

When we were called into Simon’s office I suddenly felt nervous. I’d grown up knowing Simon and he already knew I could sing so I don’t know why I was nervous. Kian and I walked into Simon’s office and he stood up and shook Kian and I’s hands and we sat in the chairs on the other side of his desk.

“So Finn, I saw you did a great job at Croke Park. I was very impressed with how well you handled yourself,” Simon began.  
“Oh thanks Simon,” I smiled.  
“I figure we need to have a discussion about your album and I also have a proposition for you.”  
“What’s the proposition?” I asked.  
“I want you to open up for the One Direction boys at Madison Square Garden.”  
“Excuse me what?!” I exclaimed.  
“I want you to open for the boys at Madison Square Garden. Would you do it?”  
“How could I turn that down! I’d be honoured.”  
“Okay, excellent. Now your album, did you bring your song writing journal and anything you have recorded?”  
“Yes, I’ve got my USB with songs I’ve written with Shane, one I wrote with Liam and another one I wrote with Zayn and my demo is on there as well. And of course my song writing journal – the pages that are marked are song I’d like to record but you decide.”  
“Thanks. I’ll photocopy those pages and give the journal back to you.”  
I took out my journal and the USB which had songs I had roughly recorded to show Simon and passed them to him.

Kian and Simon began discussing my contract and organising dates in which I am recording and who with and when promotion would take place and photo shoots and interviews. Simon told me that I needed to clear my days for the next two months because he wanted my album finished by October so it can be released by late in time for the Christmas rush and the Madison Square Garden concert and I would be doing promotion in Australia, Asia, Europe and the States. I would be recording in London, Sweden, LA and Australia. Simon had organised for me to write with Delta Goodrem (Thanks to Kian) and Demi Lovato. Demi and I had become friends through Niall and I had admired her music since her first album came out so to be able to write with her and possibly have a song she’s written on my album will be amazing. A lot of the songs I’ve written in my song journal refer to my struggle with depression and Mum and Dad’s death but at the same time I would like some empowering songs and writing with Demi would allow me to do that too.

An hour later after dates for promotion and album deadlines were given and the contract was ready to be signed and had been discussed in detail, Simon handed me a pen and I looked at Kian for reassurance and he nodded with a smile so I signed along the dotted line and breathed out a breath I had no idea I was holding. 

“Welcome to Syco Records Finn!” Simon said as I looked up at him and put the pen down.  
“Thanks Simon.”  
“Kian, keep me posted and Finn, I’ll be in touch about songs and things.”  
“Thanks Simon.”  
“Call me if you have any questions or need to change any dates. Take it easy Finn and say hi to Shane for me.”  
“Will do.”

Kian said his goodbye and we made our way down to the car.  
“Well that went well hey Finn.”  
“Yeah! I’m glad it’s all signed and everything is being organised, it’s all starting to feel real.”  
“This is going to be such a big adventure for you Finn. But you have to promise you’ll look after yourself because you’ll learn you can’t trust anyone else to.”  
“What about management?”  
“Finn, management doesn’t give a shit sadly enough Finn. It’s all about how much money they can make out of you. But you have a talent that needs to be shared so please don’t let that affect your view of the industry. You know Shane, Zayn and I will do everything in our power to make sure you’re okay alright? We want you to share what you’ve got with the world.” Kian stated before he started the car and began to drive to Shane’s house.

And this is where my adventure into the music industry really began…


	6. Two Weeks Later

I had been spending a lot of time with Kian and Shane since my meeting with Simon trying to get everything organised. Spending time with Zayn was something I couldn’t really do plus he and the lads were getting ready to head off on their tour. 

“Finn, what have you got on tomorrow?” Kian asked.  
“Writing I assumed, why?”  
“Simon has organised a photoshoot”  
“Where?” I asked.  
“You’re on the 5am flight to Knock and your shoot starts at 10am on Strandhill Beach.”  
“What time does it finish?”  
“Who knows Finn, it depends whether the photographer gets the shots he wants,” Shane replied.  
“Okay. Are we going to stay in Sligo for a couple of days?” I asked.  
“Yeah if you want, we can spend two or three days at mine if you guys want. Zayn can come to if you like Finn.”  
“He’s getting ready for the tour, I haven’t seen him in a few days.”  
“Are things okay between the two of you?” Shane asked.  
“I think so, I’m not too sure. We had a fight the other day but I don’t know. We’re both just giving each other space.”  
“I know what you’re like when you two get into fights Finn, and you are really submissive and you let him get away with far too much. If you’re not happy with the way he is treating you Finn, tell him. Don’t let him walk all over you,” Shane stated harshly.  
“That’s a little bit harsh Shane, ease up bud.” Kian said coming to my defence.  
“I don’t want her getting hurt Kian. She’s going through a big change right now and Zayn needs to get off his high horse and be there for her for once. I know he’s getting ready for a huge tour but his girlfriend is about to start her career and go through changes. She’s always there for him when things are tough, why can’t he do the same?” Shane said angrily with his hands in fists.  
“Shane, first of all, I’m not submissive when Zayn and I fight, I don’t hide in a corner. I do stand up for myself. Second of all, Zayn is there for me, he’s just about to go on a world tour and he’s busy rehearsing. I understand that and of all people Shane, so should you.” I said before I stormed off and up to my room.

Shane frustrates me at the best of times, but when he puts Zayn and I’s relationship into question I get really mad. Yes Zayn and I fight a lot and I give in sometimes but I’m not submissive in any sense. Zayn and I’s relationship is so unstable at the moment with him about to head off on tour and with my album being made we have no time to spend with each other and whenever he seems to go out now days he gets spotted with a different girl. I try not to be the jealous type but when it keeps happening I can’t help it.

I got my phone out and decided to call Zayn. I wasn’t sure what he was up to, whether he was in the studio, in interviews or in rehersals or just sleeping.

“Hello?” his sleepy voice said as he answered the phone after three rings.  
“Hey Z, it’s me.”  
“Finn, hey baby. What are you up to?”  
“I’m just at home. I just had an argument with Shane. Are you busy?”  
“I was just having my afternoon nap. Come over if you want to baby.”  
“Thanks Z. I’ll be over soon.”  
“It’s fine baby. See you soon, just let yourself in.”

I grabbed my handbag and car keys and went out to my car before driving off to Zayn’s place. I let myself into Zayn’s apartment and saw he wasn’t in the lounge room so I made my way up to his bedroom and found him asleep. I took off my shorts so I was just in a t-shirt and my undies and slid under the covers with him. I kissed his cheek and he began to stir.  
“Hi Princess,” he said putting his arm around me and pulling me in and kissing my neck.  
“Hi Zee, sorry I woke you up.”  
“You can wake me up anytime baby, you know that. Are you okay?” he asked sleepily.  
“We can talk about it later, I just want to nap with you.”  
“Oh we can definitely do that beautiful.”

I dozed off to the feeling of Zayn tickling my back softly under my shirt. I woke groggily a few hours later to the sound of Zayn on the phone. I blinked my eyes open and saw Zayn pacing the room sounding a bit frustrated as he spoke to who I eventually figured out was Simon.

“No! I’m not doing that, and neither is Finn. Simon, our relationship doesn’t belong to the media and right now Finn and I’s relationship doesn’t need some fancy article in a magazine. Finn deserves to be noticed on her own, not just as my girlfriend. She’s talented in her own right. Either she does the shoot and interview herself or it doesn’t happen at all. That’s final. Bye Simon.”

Zayn put his phone on the bedside table and smiled when he saw me awake.  
“Hi Princess, did you have a nice nap?” he asked before he knelt on the bed to kiss me.  
“It was very much needed. Is everything okay with Simon? You sounded frustrated,” I replied as I sat up, leaning against the headboard.

“Simon wanted us to do an article in some fancy magazine together but I don’t think now is the right time for that. You need to be noticed on your own, not with me or your brother. So I told him you either do it on your own or not at all. I’m sure he’ll talk to Kian about it anyway but I just think for the sake of our relationship we don’t need to go baring all to the media.”  
“I completely agree Zee. What time is it?”  
“Six, so what happened with Shane bub?”  
“We just had a disagreement about our relationship and he said some things he shouldn’t have.”  
“I like Shane but God he puts his foot in it sometimes,” Zayn replied quietly before running his hand through his hair.  
“I know, and I know he has no right to comment on our relationship and I hate when he does but at the same time he is just trying to protect me.”  
“I do exactly the same with my sisters babe, it’s okay. So, are you staying here tonight?” he asked.  
“I’m on the five o’clock plane to Knock tomorrow morning Zee. I’ve got a photoshoot back home in Sligo. I’m going to stay there for a few days and catch up with some friends and just chill out. Do you want to come?”  
“You know what, I actually wouldn’t mind getting away for a couple of days. The boys and I have nothing on until next Friday. Would you mind if I came?”  
“No not at all Zee. I really want you to come, it would be nice for us to spend a few days out of London and just being together. Shane isn’t going, it’s just Kian and I. I was going to stay at Kian’s place but we could get a hotel.”  
“Which would you prefer?”  
“I honestly think we will get more privacy at Kian’s place. Plus, he and Jodi have a guest house so we would have privacy anyway.”  
“That’s fine by me Princess, I guess I had better book a flight and pack a bag. How about I meet you in Sligo tomorrow afternoon after your photoshoot?”  
“That sounds good,” I replied.  
“You hungry?” he asked.  
“I should probably eat something, I haven’t checked my levels in a while.”  
“Finn…” he sighed before reaching into the bedside drawer and pulling out a spare glucometer and lancet  
“I know, I know.”

Once I tested, I showed the results to Zayn who smiled and kissed my forehead. “Come on baby, let’s get you some food. What do you feel like? You’re a bit low.”  
“Can we get sushi?”  
“Sushi it is, then I’ll drop you home okay?”  
“Alright,” I answered with a smile before I got out of bed and put my shorts back on and slipped my sneakers on.  
Zayn went into his cupboard to change into a pair of black jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt and sneakers. I smiled when he emerged and walked up to him and hugged him.  
“What’s that for little one?”  
“Nothing, I just think you look really hot.”  
“Oh you,” he laughed before I looked up at him and he kissed me quickly then slapped my butt quickly before running out of the room.  
“Oi! Get back here Malik!!” I exclaimed chasing him downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously forgot how much I loved writing this story. I hope you guys like it too. Please feel free to leave kudos etc :)


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